My Pedicure Relationship

I love getting pedicures, who doesn't, but I also hate them. Here's why.

Knowing that a pedicure is on the agenda for the day gives me something to look forward to. Some me time. The fact that it only lasts 30-45 minutes is a major downfall!

Placing an already indecisive mother of two who can barely form an opinion of her own let alone a sentence in front of an endless wall of nail color choices is torture. Every single color on earth all with their very own cute, witty name is not fun. If I pick up a color but the name is weird it doesn't make the cut. If the name is fetch, oh yeah I said it, than it has instant appeal even though it's the same color as my six month olds poop. So you see my predicament. Why is their not a color that says momma-tini or this color is just for you? Not a single color is relatable to a stay at home mom. They are all about cabanas and far off places that I have no idea about because I live in a suburb and grow a garden. We need some boring names that will relate to the everyday person!

 Coral it is. Actually it's called something lobstery something.

I am then led to my chair and YOWZA that shit is hot!!! "How's the water ma'am?" Well now that my first two layers of skin have melted off your job just got a lot easier. "It's a little warm." And now it's cold. Great.

I have 30-45 minutes alone without my children and I need to relax but also need some adult conversation.

Me: "Have y'all been busy?" 

Lady: "No, have you come in before?"

Me: "Yes. Once. I need to come in more often."

Lady: "Yes you do."

BWORD!

Sorry I don't have all the time in the world to get pedicures like the other people in here. Which were dudes, let me tell you. I'm not against men getting pedi's, my husband needs one actually but if I have to watch the nail tech (is that politically correct?) rub someone's leg hair in circles I'm going to need a stiffer drink! Speaking of drinks.

The NUMBER 1 reason I get Pedicures is....they serve BOOZE! Can you believe it? I can't. 

Ahhhhh....this feels amazing. There is no way she is almost done. No no no do not stop! DAMMIT!!! She's wrapping my legs up then it's the painting and then it's over. 

It was amazing while it lasted which isn't how we feel about everything. 

See it's a LOVE/HATE relationship.

XOXOXO, 

Court

The Traveling Twister

I think a tornado has hit my house! Not a real one of course and I need to be careful when using this phrase since a tornado did just sweep through my beloved state. This is a whole other kind of tornado.

 Does it not feel like a chaotic disaster that can not be controlled when you are packing for a vacation that includes children?

I mean it's two weeks away and I'm already stressed out because I know exactly what we need to pack but have no idea all at the same time. 

We're spending a week at the lake with my husbands parents, my parents, my brother and my husbands brother that includes his wife and two kids.

 You're wondering to yourself at this very moment how I can even call that a vacation aren't you?

 We are staying in a house because let's face it roughing it is not an option with children. My daughter has recently grown a fear, no, hatred actually of anything that flies or crawls. She wants to slap them and smash them which she demonstrates on a daily basis just how she is plotting their death. Then she sees a frog and decides it needs a hug because well I mean haven't you seen The Princess and the Frog?! Whatever you want honey just don't kiss it because he will not turn into a prince!

Anyways, back to the trip. There will be a house with running water and all so that makes it not as difficult as I may make it out to be in my head. I mean over an hour drive to the local WWAALLL-MAARRTT said in my most redneck voice. How is that even legal? We will probably make one trip to a more local grocery store that will include only the basics. I'm sure they won't carry organic raw honey so I best bring my own. But they will have milk which I anticipate we will run out of on the first day. Especially if anyone brings any kind of syrup you would pour into the milk and stir. You want to see a toddler in a frenzy? When she sees something she's had before but we don't carry in our house normally will bring one on in a hurry. I mean it's who let the dogs out kind of excitement!!

So let's start with the essentials. NUMBER ONE MOST IMPORTANT thing to know about this little vacay is that dry counties do exsist. It's not just something you read about they are real and quite frankly a waste of time. Planning on how much booze you will need, yes NEED, for a week long vacation with not just your family but your in-laws is the most difficult thing I've ever done. Yes it beat out childbirth for me because well that was easy as pie. It's hard to even anticipate such a need that will include day long hangovers. Ok I don't drink that much but you get my drift.

Next, it's food which I don't put too much thought into really.  Mainly each meal will need to include something moderately healthy. While my kids would love to live of pizza rolls and Pringles, I mean who wouldn't, I prefer them to have a tad more diversity. Me on the other hand I'm just living off the booze. I mean I will be in a bathing suit so I will keep eating to a minimum. Once again don't get frightened away by my drinking habits all you non drinkers. It's really I mean really not that bad. (Wink, Wink)

Then there's all the other crap that people need to survive. Or at least what we think we need. Here's a run down from what I think is most important to least. 

Alcohol-duh!

Food

iPad

iPad charger

Phone

Phone charger

Movies and movies and some more movies.

Ellie's YEE-HAWS because if I have to hear that word non stop because mommy forgot the daddy YEE-HAW the world will be over as we know it, at least Ellie's will.

Clothes-yes all of those previous things are more important than clothes. I mean have you ever seen Naked and Afraid they make clothes out of leaves so we will be fine and Ellie hates clothes anyways.

Pack N Play

Pillows

Blankets because I do not trust anyone else's.

High chair for my youngest

Excersaucer- I hate this word!!!

And the list keeps going. Everything from an Umbrella to shield my baby to a kiddy pool because my daughter is up between 5-6 and everyone else sleeps in until 9. We have to plan accordingly to her need for constant entertainment. She gets it from me and I hate it!

Let's face it for the next two weeks I will pack then unpack then pack again just to unpack AGAIN. All while my husaband packs his own belongings and loads the car. I get the gift of doing all the rest. Joy!

Happy Travels you little Tornado!

XOXOXO,

Court

The Tormenting Terrible Two's!!!

I am going Bat Shit Crazy!!!

Ok I got my only curse word out right from the get go so you will have no more fowl language to read from here on out. I've really had to monitor my language abuse because my not so big talker decides the Fbomb is going to be her favorite word. Well she hasn't actually said it yet but if I don't zip my lip she's going to. And I don't need to add any horrible language to the already short list of words she says, especially when I take the list to my Prditrician. 

Does anyone else's toddler seem like a wolf wrapped in sheep's clothing?

Thank you mommy, Eskimo kiss, kiss for baby, and then a hug.

5 seconds later...

A few violent hits to the dog (she picked that up from her awesome parents), books go flying from their shelves, toy gets snatched away from baby, walls covered in chalk and then the Holy Grail of all facial expressions. The you don't scare me with the threat of spanking or taking anything away from me because let's face it mom you don't have the mental energy to deal with the explosive tantrum that will follow.

Yep that's the one. And she's right, I don't. When she knows she's in trouble she turns her backside to me and grins. Like go ahead and give me a swat it won't hurt but you will have to pay for it for the next 9 hours until dad gets home. 

Did I mention it's only 5:15 A.M.! Fudgesicle monkeys butt!! Yes that's my  new Fbomb and honestly the looks I get in public are way worse saying that than they actually would have been if I just would have said the F-word.

Currently at this moment Emersyn is my favorite. Yes I said it out loud but we all have a favorite from time to time. She sleeps in her crib and wakes only every hour but at least her foot isn't in my throat trying to kill me. She smiles non stop and as long as she can see me, the dog, or Ellie she's happy.

I know, I know it won't last. Before I know it the bat ,bad word, crazy I am today will be at whole new level when Emersyn can walk and talk and join in with her sister. 

So please go ahead and start praying for me now sister because I'm gonna need it!!!

XOXOXO, 

Court